More funny insults...x

• I can't believe that out of 10,000 sperm, you were the quickest.


• I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

• Coolidge was known for his terse speech and reticence. A woman bet her friend that she could get Coolidge to speak to her, which was something he was reluctant to do.

She went up to him and said: "Hello, Mr. President, I bet my friend that I could get you to say three words to me."

"You lose," Coolidge replied dryly, and walked away.

• Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it.

• Lady Nancy Astor, Viscountess: "If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison."

Winston Churchill: "If I were your husband, madam, I should drink it."

• She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when."

• Yes, Agassiz does recommend authors to eat fish, because the phosphorus in it makes brain. So far you are correct. But I cannot help you to a decision about the amount you need to eat - at least, not with certainty. If the specimen composition you send is about your fair usual average, I should judge that a couple of whales would be all you would want for the present. Not the largest kind, but simply good middling-sized whales.

• Dustin Farnum: "I've never been better! In the last act yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats."

Oliver Herford: "How clever of you to think of it."

• I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.

• I could eat alphabet soup and shit better lyrics.

• I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws.

• The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.
• The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
• This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

• During his 1956 presidential campaign, a woman called out to Adlai E. Stevenson: "Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person!".

Stevenson called back "That's not enough, madam, we need a majority!