An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"




How did the dumb blonde try to kill the fish? She tried to drown it!



One day a blonde felt very hungry so she walked into the nearest building, went up to the counter and asked," Can I please have a cheese burger, fries, and a diet coke." The lady at the counter said."ma'ma this is a library." "Ohhhhh" "I'll have a cheese burger, fries, and a diet coke," the blonde whispered.



In New York City, there is a famous restaurant and in that restaurant in the ladies bathroom there is an enchanted mirror and legend says if you tell the truth it will grant you a wish but if you lie it will go poof and you will be gone. So a red head walked up to the mirror and said I think I'm the most pretty girl in the whole world! "Poof" the mirror eats her up! Then a brunette walks up to the mirror and says I think I'm the most smartest girl in the whole world! "Poof" the mirror eats her up! A blonde walks up to the mirror and says I think .. "Poof"



A blonde calls her mom saying "mom i'm smarter than i thought .. i'm a genius!" Her mom answers "why honey". She answers" remember that puzzle i have been working on for the last two years?" Her mom says "yeah" "well the box says 3-4 years"....



A blonde, a brunette, and a red head all competed to win 10,000,000 dollars. The last objective is to hang from a airplane and the last one hanging wins the money. The brunette makes a deal with the red head to split the money 50-50 if she lets go .. and she takes it. As she let go the brunette yells never mind deals off! Then the brunette tells the blonde that they should play a game. She starts singing 'if your happy and you know it clap your hands'. .. that was the end of the happy blonde.



There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red head. They were on a road with a tollbooth. At the tollbooth, instead of having to pay to get on the road, they had to state a fact. If they told a lie, the ground would open up and swallow them. The brunette went first, when she got to the tollbooth, she said, "I think red and blue mixed makes purple." she walked onto the road without the ground opening up and swallowing her. The redhead went next. When she got to the tollbooth, she said "I think 2+2 is 4." she walked onto the road without the ground opening up and swallowing her. The blonde went last. When she got to the tollbooth, she said "I think" and the ground opened up and swallowed her.





One nice sunny day a blonde decided to go play golf with her red head friend for the first time. So they were thinking and planning what they should take with them. The blonde decides to take 2 pants just in case she got a hole in one.





Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? A: Knock on the hatch door.



A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them." A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."



Blonde: I’ve been listening to Eminem

Brunette: You’ve been listening to candy?!



Blonde 1: What’s closer? The moon or Liskeard?

Blonde 2: Well duh! You can see the moon from here!



There are 3 girls. A blonde, Brunette, and a Redhead.

They are stealing food from a barn when the farmer comes.

They each hide in a sack.

When the farmer comes in he prods the sack with the redhead in. “Meow”

Then he prods the sack with the brunette in “woof”

Then he prods the one with the Blonde in “potatoes”

Hahahahahaha.x

You cry, I cry.




You laugh, I laugh.



You jump off a cliff, I laugh even harder.







You cry, I cry.



You laugh, I laugh.



You jump off a cliff, I'm gonna miss ur dumb ass.







I'm the type of girl that will burst out laughing at something that happened yesterday.







I could murder a bowl of corn flakes. Does that make me a cereal killer?





Shut up voices, or I'll poke you again.







May I please borrow your pen? I need to stab you in the eye.

Favourite insults.x

Please don't interupt me while I'm ignoring you

Keep talking - maybe one day you'll say something intelligent

Hate us coz we're butiful - Well we don't like you either

How come you're here? I thought the zoo was closed at night?

I like you. People say I have no taste but I like you.

I'm sorry. I'm a little busy. Can I ignore you later?

I'm a human being! What are you?
Don't feel bad. Alot of people have not talent

I know you're not as stupid as you look, nobody could be!

How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

Do you practice being this ugly?

Don't think! It might sprain your brain!

If I had a face like yours I'd sue your parents!

I don't know what makes you stupid but it really works!

I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

I'm a member of the C.S.I. Can't stand idiots.

Woman quips

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.


Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?

Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: Why aren't you married yet?

Woman: What? And spoil my great sex life?

Man: Why aren't you married yet?

Woman:Why aren't you thin?

Man: Why aren't you married yet?

Woman: Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

Yet more insults

• You were one of the first to get a brain, before they were perfected.


• But you did get a brain that day. The problem is that you should have asked for one to go.

• You got your brain very early. Apparently the warranty has run out.

• When they were handing out brains you arrived too late, all you got was a rain check.

• They just ran out of brains by the time you got there, so they gave you a nice wood carving instead.

• When they were handing out brains, you were the first in the queue, and held the door open for the rest of us.

• You didn't get a brain that day either. They were only handing them out to people who would use them

• You got your brain first when they were handing them out in alphabetical order, A for "Aardvark"

Is that your face ?. . . .

• Your face looks like you've been using it as a doorstop.

• Your face would not only stop a door, but also most clocks and a herd of charging buffalo.

• If your face had "Welcome" written on it, it would make a perfect doormat.

• If you put your face by a door, no one would ever come in.

• Your face is such a mess, you must stop using it to hammer in nails.

• Your face doesn't look like a doorstep, it looks like the door just kept going.

• Your face is such a mess, you should stop reading before slamming the book shut.

• Your face is such a mess, why don't you get your dog something different to chew on ?

• Your face is such a mess, when you practice diving why don't you make sure the pool has water in next time.

• Your face is very becoming. I's becoming more and more ugly every time I see it.



When they gave out...

• When they were giving out heads, you thought they said beds, and you said "I'd like something soft"

• When they were giving out brains, you thought they said grains, and you said "Make mine oatmeal"

• When they were giving out noses, you thought they said roses, and you said "Give me a big red one"

• When they were giving out heads, you thought they said sheds, and you said "I'd like a nice big wooden one"

• When they were giving out looks, you thought they said books, and you said "Give me something funny"

• When they were giving out brains, you thought they said canes, and you said "I won't need one of those"

• When they were giving out noses, you thought they said hoses, and you said "I don't mind if mine drips a little bit"

• When they were giving out faces, you thought they said cases, and you said "I'd like one made of leather"

• When they were giving out heads, you thought they said breads, and you said "I'd like mine nice and doughy"



Good riddance.....

• If I said anything to offend you it was purely intentional.

• You don't have to say anything. You offend me just by being in the area.

• I don't take it personally. Every time you open your mouth you offend someone.

• Well, you probably said it without thinking, the way you do most things.

• Don't worry about it. I've never listened to a thing you've said since the day I met you.

• Nothing you could say could offend me. I only get offended by things that make sense.

• I'm not offended by what you say. I'm just glad that you're stringing words into sentences now.

• It's not what you say, it's the thought behind it that counts, and I know there's never any thought behind anything you say.

• I wouldn't get angry at you today. It's "Be kind to Animals" week.



You look familiar.......

• You look familiar, did I see you in the zoo parade ?

• I think you may have seen me at the zoo, I was the one who was feeding you peanuts.

• I understand that's Animal Magic is your favorite show because so many of your relatives are on it.

• I know your trying to insult me, but I know you like me. I can see your tail wagging.

• That's funny you calling me an animal, and it's you that has the webbed feet.

• You look familiar too, but that's not surprising, I collect bugs for a hobby.

• You look familiar too, have I ever seen you hanging by the tail from the tree in my garden ?

• Didn't I dissect you in a biology class one time ?

More funny insults...x

• I can't believe that out of 10,000 sperm, you were the quickest.


• I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

• Coolidge was known for his terse speech and reticence. A woman bet her friend that she could get Coolidge to speak to her, which was something he was reluctant to do.

She went up to him and said: "Hello, Mr. President, I bet my friend that I could get you to say three words to me."

"You lose," Coolidge replied dryly, and walked away.

• Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it.

• Lady Nancy Astor, Viscountess: "If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison."

Winston Churchill: "If I were your husband, madam, I should drink it."

• She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when."

• Yes, Agassiz does recommend authors to eat fish, because the phosphorus in it makes brain. So far you are correct. But I cannot help you to a decision about the amount you need to eat - at least, not with certainty. If the specimen composition you send is about your fair usual average, I should judge that a couple of whales would be all you would want for the present. Not the largest kind, but simply good middling-sized whales.

• Dustin Farnum: "I've never been better! In the last act yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats."

Oliver Herford: "How clever of you to think of it."

• I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.

• I could eat alphabet soup and shit better lyrics.

• I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws.

• The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.
• The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
• This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

• During his 1956 presidential campaign, a woman called out to Adlai E. Stevenson: "Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person!".

Stevenson called back "That's not enough, madam, we need a majority!

Pickle's Insults Babiie!

Ok, these are by one of my bests, Cactus Pickle Head.


Last night, I lay in my bed, looking up at the stars, thinking to myself "Were the heck is my ceiling?"
Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
"Holy H2O!" "Don't take the particles name in vain!"
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Oh! If only chocolate grew on trees. Oh wait, it does!
I was reading today - and doing fine untill somone pointed out that the book was upside-down!

The cheese grater - invented by someone who hated fingers!

He who laughs last didn't get the joke.

Scientists have proven that one in four people are crazy, so go check three of your friends, if it's none of them - Congratulations! It's you!
Did you know: On average, 100 people a year die choking on a ball point pen!
Why do people say life is short? It's the longest thing you can do.
I'm free of all prejudices, i hate everyone equally!
There's no 'i' in team, no but there is a 'me'
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
If you are first you are first. If you are second you are nothing.
Constant change is here to stay.
In theory, everything works.
Not only do I fall down stairs, I trip up them as well - now that takes talent!
Best friends don't let you do stupid things........alone.
"Behold the power of cheese!"